Ok, I'm about to admit something that sounds pretty pathetic. Bear with me.
I used to think I was a really good person. Well, even more so, a really good Christian person. I had the whole Christian walk down to a tea- I said all the right things and stayed away from all the wrong things. I served at church, prayed during lunch, read my Bible faithfully, spent my time with other good kids...you get the picture. And I really thought God was pleased with me. As long as I obeyed all the rules and regulations, I thought I was in and I could look down at all those other people who did not have it together like me. I was the "perfect Christian girl" and that became my identity.
Fast forward to college- my whole perspective of this perfect little Christian world changed. The past several years, God allowed me to experience many trials and circumstances that have revealed how imperfect I really am. In many ways, I feel like I fell flat on my face. I made a lot of mistakes. I hurt people I really cared about and I used circumstances to promote my own gain. I lied, cheated, and slandered others. Spent way too much time being prideful and self-centered. I cried, confessed, asked for forgiveness, and was sincerely humbled time and again. And, you know, the more I grow to understand myself, the more I see how deceitfully wicked my heart and my motives really are. It's quite frightening.
Nevertheless, these past several years, God's grace has become so much sweeter to me. I now understand my own sinfulness and how I can do absolutely nothing apart from Him. I am not a good person on my own. In fact, left to myself, I can do some serious damage. I have had so many friends and family members walk away from Christ or fall into sin recently, it is staggering. And each time, I am shocked and am determined to think that will never be me. Yet, the more I understand of my depravity, I am aware that could easily be me. I could mess up my whole life in an instant. It is only through my connection to Christ that I can have victory over my sin. I am being comepletely naive if I think I can do any good apart from Him.
So, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am imperfect. And it is beautiful. Beautiful only because Christ shines through those areas in my life where I am so desperately in need of Him. It is a good thing to know our weakness.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me....For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10